


Falling

by DemonBanisher



Series: Escaping His Shadow [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Sirius Black is a Good Boyfriend, Trauma, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher
Summary: A few days after Fenrir's texts, Remus is still falling and he doesn't know who he can hold onto or how to help.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Escaping His Shadow [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024663
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've never done a series before. But turns out I had more to write about this relationship in me. Again, CW/TW for emotional/psychological abuse, suicidal ideation, and thoughts of self harm.

Remus lay on his side, knees tucked in tightly to his chest, arms coiled around himself. He felt like he was falling, tumbling towards a rock bottom he wasn’t sure if he would ever hit. He wanted to cry so badly, but there were no tears inside of him. He was angry and frustrated and hurt, at Fenrir mostly, but at himself too.

It had been three days since Fenrir texted, and Remus had transitioned squarely into depression mode. It was stupid, only a few hours ago he been enjoying karaoke and cards with his roommates. He had been doing fine, but when they wrapped up for the night and he’d headed to his room it felt as if the air had become molasses and Remus was struggling to push his way through it. 

He had reached out to Peter earlier. He made a habit of trying to rotate who he was leaning on for support. This had been going on for so many years that Remus was sure that all of his friends were sick of hearing about it by now. Remus was sure they wished that he would get over it, block him, and move on. No one ever told Remus that, but that didn’t stop him from believing it. 

He had told Pete he felt broken and empty. He told Pete that Fenrir had killed him and he felt like he was dying all over again. He told Pete he could never understand how awful he felt right now because it hadn’t happened to him. It had happened to Remus. It was still happening to Remus. 

Pete had gotten frustrated; told Remus he should reach out to his therapist. That he was frustrated and that he was trying to understand him and Remus was invalidating his support. Suddenly, it had become Remus’ responsibility to comfort someone else again. Remus’ responsibility to help guide someone else through how to navigate this pain, when he just needed to know that he wasn’t suffering alone. Maybe, Remus didn’t want understanding. Maybe Remus knew this was something his friends would never be able to wrap their heads around. Maybe he just wanted them to be there, to tell him that Fenrir was wrong, that he had done the right thing over and over and over again until maybe one day he can finally believe it.

But Remus had messed up, he shouldn’t have texted Peter. It was so stupid. Remus was so stupid. He shouldn’t be putting his trauma on other people. Shouldn’t be asking them to understand. God, Remus knew what this had done to him. How could ever ask someone else to share that burden within him, when he knew how easy the weight made it to start drowning. 

He wanted to call Sirius, but he’d already leaned on Sirius so much these past few days. He couldn’t ask him to do this again when he’d already done so much. 

Remus phone lit up and he startled. Mind running to worst case scenario as if no time had passed. “I’ll never call you.” That’s what Fenrir had told him over text a few days ago, when Remus had said if he was ever in danger of hurting himself, he could still call or text him. “I couldn’t do that to you, the most I’d do is text you.”

And honestly, this was the part that Remus hated the most. The thread of change that ran through Fenrir’s text messages. The apologies and the well wishes that made Remus wonder if all the hurt and abuse was in his head. If he was being stubborn by being unable to forgive and move on. Unwilling to ever meet with Fenrir to talk things over. But he knew, he knew these messages were buried in manipulation and hints that Fenrir was still obsessed with a version of Remus that he couldn’t provide. Remus had told him that he wasn’t going to promise that he’d ever be willing to see Fenrir again, that he’d ever want to talk to him. Fenrir said he’d keep hoping. Remus told him these spontaneous text messages were painful for him. Fenrir made a comment about the fact that he could blame this on Remus for reaching out three years ago when Remus had been hurting and simply texted Fenrir to say that he wished he was okay. He didn’t say he blamed Remus, he said that he could, Fenrir was smart in the way that he hid his threats. In the way he managed to let the burden drift onto Remus’ shoulders like wet snowflakes until it was too much to carry.

Remus’ phone lit up again and he startled back to reality and realized it was Sirius’ name on the screen. He hit a few buttons to answer the phone call and then put it on speaker phone so he wouldn’t have to sit up. 

“Hello?” Remus tried to hide the slight tremble in his voice, but it was still there.

“Shit Rems, sorry I should have thought before calling, but you weren’t answering your text messages.”

Remus swiped down the notification centre and sure enough Sirius had been trying to get a hold of him. How long had Remus been laying there?

“Moons? Are you okay?”

How do you tell someone that you are so far from okay you don’t even remember what it feels like? Even if okay was only four hours ago sitting in the living room with friends.

“Sirius, I feel like I’m dying. It’s been seven years and I still feel like I’m dying. Is this ever going to end?”

Remus heard the rustling of movement on the other end of the phone and a click of a door and keys. 

“I’m coming over. Stay on the phone with me until then, okay?”

“I’m so sorry Sirius, I know you’re probably sick of Fenrir and it’s so cold outside tonight you don’t have to walk here. It’s my fault I can’t get over this. I’m just broken, okay? I can’t imagine you’ll understand but you don’t have to come over here. I’ve survived this on my own before, I can get through it again.”

Sirius’ heart clenched in his test and tears threatened to spill out from his cheeks as he bundled himself better against the cold. He hated that he didn’t know Remus when everything happened with Fenrir. He hated that early in their friendship Remus hadn’t told him when the texts had started. Didn’t know how to explain it all. Didn’t want to hurt Sirius with his hurt. 

“Just because you can do it on your own doesn’t mean you should have to. Your pain tolerance is too high Remus. Everything you’ve been through… you act like you aren’t allowed to be upset because you’ve survived worse, but that’s not how the world works.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Remus’ voice was a thousand miles away. He was still falling.

“Rems, are you going to hurt yourself?”

Remus was quiet, thinking of the itch under his skin that hadn’t gone away for the past few hours. The knowledge that right around the corner in the bathroom was his safety razor. Hell, he didn’t even have to go that far there were extra blades in his dresser. Nothing too deep, just something to make the pain go away.

“I’m okay Sirius.”

“That’s not what I asked Moons.”

Remus breathed in slowly, what they don’t tell you about suicidal thoughts is that it isn’t always wanting to die. It’s not always an active and deliberate effort to end your life. Some days it was simply wishing to not be alive anymore. Remus remembered in high school when he used to walk home down the yellow lines that divided the road, waiting for a car to come close, hoping, wishing, that he’d feel anything other than apathy.

“I just want everything to stop hurting. So, I think,” he paused. Why was this so hard to say? “I think the thoughts are there, but I’m not going to do anything, okay?”

“Okay, if you are you can tell me, okay Moony?”

“But if I tell you, then how am I any different from him?”

“Remus, this is different. You’ve been battling your mental illness for years now, and before you say anything, I know Fenrir has struggles with mental illness too, but that doesn’t excuse anything. Remus you’ve apologized to me a million times throughout this phone call, you don’t want to put the burden of something as important as your life on someone else. You never manipulate me into staying. Even when you do get bad and check out for a bit you always apologize as soon as you’re feeling better. You aren’t like him Remus. He hid behind his illness as an excuse for hurting you. You spend every waking moment of your day trying to make sure your illness doesn’t hurt others. You couldn’t be more different.”

Sirius was almost there now. Just one more block to go. He listened to Remus’ steady breathing as he collected his thoughts. 

“Twice a year.” Remus told him. “I’m going to have to hear from him twice a year for the next forever.”

Sirius already knew this. Remus had given Fenrir two dates that he was allowed to text him on and told him that besides that, unless it was an emergency, he didn’t want to hear from him. He figured this was the best way to make sure Fenrir was safe while trying to protect himself, but he wasn’t so sure anymore.

“I keep trying to tell myself it will be better this way. That I’ll be able to buy myself a big cheesecake and just curl up in blankets and that I don’t have to talk to him anymore than asking if he’s okay and telling him I’m fine. But is this what it’s going to be like? Have I just willing agree to be gutted twice a year?”

“Maybe, but maybe not. I don’t know what the future will hold but all I know is that you don’t have to go through it alone.”

And then, Remus’ bedroom door was being pushed open and Sirius was standing there covered in snow and slightly out of breath. His cheeks flush from the winter’s cold. 

“You didn’t have to come.” 

“I know,” Sirius said. “But I wanted to.”

And then he kicked off his jacket, hat, and mitts and made his way across the room to Remus. He crawled onto the bed behind him before curling his body around him. 

“Your hands are freezing.” Remus said, jolting as Sirius’ hands brushed against his own.

“I know,” Sirius said. “I’m gonna help you get to the other side of this, okay Moony?”

Remus nodded and then he just let Sirius hold him as the world swallowed him whole.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if there will be more to this story. Maybe. Recovery is a hard and difficult process. Be gentle with yourself if you are still healing. Comments and kudos always welcome or feel free to shoot me a message on tumblr @sleepcreatecaffeinate.


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